👋 Please don't let go.
It's Monday. I'm Here for You.
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It’s been a week since I moved out of the tiny one bedroom apartment that I absolutely adored.
When it was cleared of all our stuff, the place looked like a small empty fish tank filled with dust and secrets.
As my building’s manager inspected every inch, deducting dollars from our security deposit for the time I dropped a 10 pound weight on the title and it shattered and the time we got really into plants and the water from the pots stained the hardwood floor, I stood in the center of the place begging for a hug.
I could have lived here my entire life, I told him.
He rubbed his hand over cracks in the baseboard.
The people who live here next sure are lucky, I pleaded.
He looked down at his iPad, making notes of all the dents in the wall.
If only these walls could speak, you know what I’m saying?
He glanced up at me, his eyes begging for silence. I gave that to him as I followed his footsteps, replaying the memories over and over in my own head for nobody to hear.
Why do places look so much smaller when there’s nothing in them?
Please sign here, he said, instructing me to agree to the costs of the damages and reminding me I should have been out of this place 27 minute ago.
It’s probably because our brains lie to us when we’re in love.
By this point, he’d had enough of my verbal poetry. He rattled off instructions and I nodded to his noise.
I lingered, of course, for many more minutes. I probably would have attempted to stay there just one more night. But the door has a digital lock and I no longer had access to the code.
So I kissed the walls and hugged the floors. Thanked the ceiling and high-fived the toilet.
👋 Welcome to the Monday Pick-Me-Up. To get what you want, you have to let go of something else. But even when there’s something great waiting for you on the other side, why does it hurt so much to say goodbye?
👋 Please don't let go
I can’t continue on with the story until I tell you this:
We moved down the hall.
Roll your eyes at me, call me the dramamama queen, or laugh at this screen because I know it seems silly to cry about leaving behind an apartment when you’re moving less than 12 feet from it.
But can I just defend myself by saying:
A person can miss something deeply, even when it’s right there next to them.
Also, it’s a bit of a gamble because we’re subleasing the new apartment from someone who might want it back. If he does, we have to be out by July.
That’s the catch.
But back to leaving.
I was feeling hurt in my heart when we moved on Monday and I didn’t understand why.
I have been fighting for a two bedroom in this apartment for 2+ years. It was nearly impossible to get one because not a lot of people are leaving (it’s rent stabilized and other 2-bedrooms in the neighborhood are $8,000+), the politics of who gets priority when one comes available are frustrating and inconsistent, and the building is small.
So when I finally got to temporarily move into this place (LMK if you want to know how I got this place), I was sooooo happy.
But also, at the same time, soooo sad.
That’s when it hit me, to get what you want, you have to let go of something else. Maybe it’s something you’ve grown out of, or something not good for you, or something you love but know you have to leave, even though you will forever still miss it.
The letting go part of anything, even a bad relationship, friendship, job, addiction, is painful.
The lead-up to letting go is the second most painful part. Those are the days when my anxiety gets clingy and doesn't leave me alone. Someone will ask a simple question, like "What's for lunch?" or "Are you a fan of Tom Brady?" and I find myself unable to answer.
The letting go part is the one that hurts the most. Unless you're a gladiator of a person who can say goodbye without your guts falling out of your body. For us fragile little earthlings, it wears us down.
The aftermath of letting go jet sets you into delusion. You start to wean from the pain. You’re distracted by your own senses. They work again. Your anxiety starts going out of the house for lunch, then dinner, until it hardly comes home.
Someone once told me like that goes on, within you, and without you. After you let go of the old and welcome the change, life goes on within you, and with this new version of you.
You start to not recognize your old self anymore.
It’s been a week of walking by my old apartment. I can see inside of through my windows here (creepy, I know). They ripped out the entire kitchen. They are replacing the floor. I saw buckets of paint and asked the building’s manager (jokingly) if they are going to sage the place! He sighed.
I’ve said goodbye to so many good things in my life before. When I did, I wished them well, and always, wished myself the same.
👏 Instant Pick Me Ups
🛒: Items I grabbed from Amazon for the new apartment
Bath mats!! My old ones were falling apart. I grabbed two of these and they are so soft.
I’ve been using this shower water filter for a few months and have noticed my hair looks/feels better. BUT you have to change the filter in it every few months and I haven’t done that — so I bought a new filter for it.
This cozy couch blanket. Goofy and I snuggle under it as we watch TV at night.
I splurged on this as a gift for all of us to use in the new apartment. We have a little loft area and I thought it could be fun to do game nights?? It’s expensive so I might have buyer’s remorse and return — but also it’s a fun birthday or holiday gift for someone!
A collapsible laundry basket. A great find!
📖: I’m in the mood for a thriller so I picked up this up.
🎵: Not a song - but a workout to all Sabrina Carpenter’s music. Such a fun dance workout that goes by soooo fast.
📝: I loved reading this writer’s journey of staying on the subway for 24-hours. It’s fascinating. I’d try it!
⏰: A reminder to go through the pile of junk in your life (things, drama, phone calls you have to make) and spend an hour this weekend making it less of a pile and more of an accessory.
😊 My Real Life:
I was nervous about so many things before moving into this apartment: would Gemma be able to sleep okay in her own room when she’s never slept alone before? Were we making a bad decision moving to a place we might have to leave in 10 months? But Gemma has been fine and there’s nothing I can do but wait to see what happens with this apartment — the saga continues. Goofy has been the saddest of any of us though. I think it’s extra hard for her that she has to literally walk by our old apartment every day. How can I explain to her we can’t go back in there and soon someone else will leave there? It’s impossible. She cried (no joke) pretty nonstop the first two days in the new apartment. I’ve never seen her that sad. I’m trying to make her feel extra special in the new place and hope that she adjusts.
Adam and I used to get annoyed with each other in our old apartment because we’d both be on work calls talking and thought the other person was being too loud. Now, we’re constantly yelling: say that again!! I can’t hear you!! because we’re no longer in one room! Also 99% of you would think my new apartment is still so small but wow, to me, it’s massive. LMK in the comments below if you want an apartment tour.
I love reading your Monday letters, it feels like I'm talking to a friend and I find comfort in that. Congratulations on your new home! And tour please!
I laughed to myself as you revealed your new living whereabouts! We feel the way we feel - no explanations or apologies required. Congratulations, and, yes please, to a tour of your new castle!