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For years now, I've had this odd obsession with watching other people in social situations to figure out which person is the most likable one there.
The most likable is the one people gravitate to, even those that don't know that person.
The most likable is the one with the confident body language — arms are by the side and not crossed, eyes are looking into yours, and chin is up, not crunched down, as if to say: I wish I was invisible right now.
I want to be the most likable and in my quest to become that in social groups, I find myself becoming the most awkward one instead.
I smile too much, offer up wayyyy too much help, ask the same person so many questions it sounds like I'm interviewing them for a job, and in my quest to be funny, I often say the wrong thing.
My verbal tic at this weekend's social event I was at was that when someone would say something mildly interesting or shocking, I'd say: No way, I don't believe you, you're kidding!!
I didn't say this once, casually, but over and over again, to the point where I sounded like a programmed robot just trying to fit in and be likable.
I've done a lot of research on how to achieve this and it turns out the trick to being likable is to stop doing a ton of research and trying so hard and focusing on my own weirdo self.
👋Welcome to the Monday Pick-Me-Up. If you ever wondered what makes someone likable, I’m sharing what I’ve learned below. Spoiler alert: all the tips are easy to follow if, and only if, you’re able to get out of your own head.
How to Be Likable Without Trying too Hard
Here’s the advice I pulled from different places on the internet. I highlighted the advice I liked the most in bold.
It’s always a collection of smaller things that all add up together. It looks like they’re not trying hard, but that’s probably years of practice you’re witnessing.
Being in touch with your own mood
[Note from Jen: I like this because when I get nervous in social situation, I don’t acknowledge those nerves, I just speak over them. It would be helpful to remind myself: Hey, Jen Jen. You’re nervous! Slow down. Relax. Don’t fill every ounce of silence with your own voice.]
Asking others questions about themselves & authentically being curious
Being excited for others
Knowing when not to overstay or overshare
[Note from Jen: I’m soooo bad at this. I overstay and overshare to the max!]
Having a comfortable body language
Being comfortable in your own skin
Making sure everyone feels included (take turns making eye contact with everyone)
Knowing how to read the room
Listen Actively: Pay attention to what others are saying.
Smile Naturally: A warm, genuine smile can make you seem approachable and friendly.
Use People’s Names: Use names naturally in conversation without overdoing it.
[Note from Jen: I need to get better at this. I rarely remember someone’s name after they share it with me.]
Us
Share Common Interests**:
Share common interests: This helps to build a connection based on mutual interests.
Like people: The easiest way to get someone to like you is to like them.
[Note from Jen: Seems obvious but it’s kind of true. I spend more effort hoping people like me and think I’m funny and interesting — I don’t spend enough effort genuinely being present and getting to know them.]
Control insecurities: Most people are turned off by people who can't turn off their insecurities.
Don’t be a suck up: People like likable people, not people who are dying to be liked.
What do you think of these tips? Have others you want to share?
⚡Instant Pick Me Ups
📖: I grabbed an interesting book that a new friend wrote that felt impossible to put down.
🛍️: A few on-sale items I might grab during Nordstrom’s big sale:
I wear this for yoga and as a crop top with jeans and shorts. It’s a lightweight sports bra tank that’s incredibly soft.
People swear by these sneakers and this is the lowest price I’ve ever seen them.
Comfy dressy shoes for wedding and events. I’d get them in silver.
I might grab this as my summer splurge item - I am obsessed!!!
🎵: Mood boosters to dance to this morning.
👋I felt trapped in my own thoughts this week and felt a bit down. To slowly climb out of my funk, I pushed myself to do a handful of things that really did help me feel better.
I went to my favorite dance class (305 Fitness)
I took myself out on a pizza date and ate my slices on a park bench while people watching — which I find mesmerizing and relaxing.
I spent another night watching (3) episodes back-to-back of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader show I’m obsessed with on Netflix. I don’t often do this. I usually spend my nights after Gemma is sleeping working or cleaning up the apartment so breaking my routine and getting comfy on the couch was really nice.
I grabbed an interesting book that a new friend wrote that felt impossible to put down.
I canceled plans with a friend because I was socially exhausted and mentally drained. Usually I would have gone and pretended to be 100% when I was really 15%. I was proud of myself for rain checking plans when I knew I didn’t have the capacity for them.
Why you’re getting this: I'm Jen Glantz and this is The Monday Pick-Me-Up newsletter. I've been sending it every Monday, for 9-years, to thousands of awesome humans, just like you. Thank you for letting this email live in your inbox. It truly makes my heart explode with joy.
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I always forget people’s names in conversations because I’m so wrapped up in the other stuff! (I’m so anxious! Do they like me!) Thanks for the helpful reminders. ❤️❤️
What an interesting topic! Yes, and if you want other people to like you, you also need to like yourself, nerves and awkwardness and all. Also, a reframe for nervousness -- instead of labeling that nervous feeling as "nervous", try labeling it as "excitement". Like "I'm excited to meet new people" versus "I'm nervous to meet new people." The body experiences nervousness and excitement similarly, so how you label it makes a huge difference in how your mind interprets those feelings and in turn how you show up in those settings.