👋 Little Miss People Pleaser
It's Monday. I'm here for you.
Hi, Friend! It's me, Jen Glantz.
A few months ago, I started building a new podcast from the ground up.
It’s called 1-800-Bridesmaid and it’s based off another newsletter that I run. Every episode has the same format. I bring an expert guest into the studio and we sit there together and try to help a stranger who calls in with a really personal and deeply troubling problem they have in their life.
The calls are shocking and often relatable. There are so many times when a caller shares a struggle that I’ve secretly been through too. I love that this show not only helps them but other people too.
But my favorite thing about having a podcast is getting to sit down with someone I don’t know, who is an expert in their filed, and ask them anyyythingggg. While I’m not the one calling into the show with a problem, you better believe I use the podcast as an excuse to get advice on my own problems too.
I just filmed seven new episodes this week. They won’t be out for a few more weeks but I’m just really excited to share the #1 best piece of advice some of the guests gave during the interview as a little preview.
On Dating:
I’m someone who doesn’t thrive in surface level relationships. I like to get to know people on a deeper level. If I’m at a party chatting with someone new and all we talk about is the weather, I start to feel car sick. I need to let the windows down! That’s usually when I’ll ask them about the last nightmare they had or if they want to talk about what their therapist taught them this week. I’m a real joy to have at a party…
The caller on this episode asked about how she get to know her fiance better. They are getting married in a few months and their relationships is very surface level. She doesn’t know about his finances, his view on having kids, or even where he wants to live in a few years.
Carleigh, the host of Mostly Dating podcast, shared two great tips:
If you want to get to take a conversation with your partner or a new friend to a new level, ease into it by saying something like: I just listened to a podcast episode on communication styles. I realized mine is __. Have you ever thought about your style? That way it doesn’t feel so out of the blue to bring up a topic that might be different from the ones you usually talk about.
On People Pleasing:
I’ll bark at you all day long that I don’t care about what people think about me. But it’s a lie. I’ve literally sat there with my eyes wide open at 2:56am replaying the bad jokes and awkward things I did at a work dinner party wondering why I have to ruin everything!!
Therapy Debbie was on an episode where we chatted about the people pleaser in a friend group. The person who says yes to helping with everything and never says no, but is secretly struggling.
It helped me realize that a lot of my insecurities are tied to being a people pleaser. BUT Debbie helped me see that there are different types of people pleasers. Here are seven different kinds:
The Empath: Someone who feels overly responsible for others' well-being and becomes excessively involved in solving their problems, often neglecting their own needs.
The Chameleon: A person who constantly changes their opinions, interests, and behavior to fit in with different groups, sacrificing their authentic identity for acceptance.
The Peacekeeper: Someone who avoids conflict at all costs by suppressing their own opinions and feelings to maintain harmony in relationships.
The Shadow: A person who learned early to prioritize others' needs over their own to gain attention, often stemming from childhood experiences of feeling overlooked.
The Pacifier: Someone who constantly tries to soothe others' emotions and avoid causing upset, even when it means sacrificing their own feelings and beliefs.
The Resistor: A person who withdraws from social situations and refuses to engage to avoid the risk of disappointing others or facing conflict.
Fawning: Someone who uses excessive flattery and agreement as a trauma response to appease others and avoid perceived danger or conflict.
On Being Left Out:
During the pandemic, I hired Lucie to be my running coach. I heard about her around the neighborhood because she spent 17 hours running 76 miles around our local track (wild!). She helped me go from not being able to run a mile to running ten miles and loving every second of it. We spent a lot of time running together and talking. One of the first topics we bonded over was how we often felt left out of friend groups we thought we were a part of.
Lucie came on the podcast to answer a question from a caller who feels like all her friends make plans and always leave her out .
Lucie shared a story of a time when all of her run club friends would get together and post about it on Instagram. They never invited her even though she saw them every week at run club and had long chats with them.
Her advice? In situations like these, reach out and say something. Lucie messaged one of the people in the group and said: I see that you all get together often and I’d love to be included next time.
Rather than just linger over how you are being left out, be proactive. If you’re still not welcome in a friend group, try not to take it personally. There are other people out there who will adore you for who you are. That group may not, for all different reasons, some of which don’t have anything to do with you.
Want to listen to past episodes? Check out ones with a closure expert, dating coach, divorce lawyer, and more right here.
Take care of yourself this week (ilysm),
Jen Glantz
Book: This is such a deeply sad and sweetly funny book. How does the author pull both of those emotions off? It’s so hard to do but so easy to read. She also blends Jewish and Japanese culture into the book. I loved this book.
Song: I’m such a fan of Lorde and really want to go to her concert this year!
Most-Worn Item Of the Week: I stumbled into The Loft this weekend and was blown away by so many items. Their styles are on point this summer. Plus they have a major 55% off sale right now too. Here’s some of what I bought and loved (I did a try-on haul here).
Hair Care: This is my absolute favorite skin care brand. They just came out with a shampoo and conditioner and I am beyond obsessed. My hair has never felt cleaner! Love, love, loveeeee.
Recent Monday Pick-Me-Ups:
Most clicked items:
Ilia Foundation — life changing!
Bala bangles — workout anywhere!
Thank you for reading this week’s pick-me-up. I adore you! I’ll be back in your inbox on Monday. Until then, hit reply and say helllloooo!
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