👋 There's Magic in Who You Used to Be
It's Monday. I'm here for you.
Hi, Friend! It's me, Jen Glantz.
During one my middle-of-the-night rocks on the chair with Gemma, I thought about the era of my life I'm currently living in, but only after I mourned the ones I've grown apart from.
I'm 14 celebrating my birthday at Buca di Beppo. There’s 5 of us. We're wearing Abercrombie and Fitch mini skirts and tanks above the belly. We have flip phones that take minutes to punch letters for a text. I'm wearing Paris Hilton perfume, scrunching my hair with gel, taking photos with friends, real friends, for the first time in my life. I found those photos recently. I don't know a thing about any of these people anymore.
Then I'm 18. I'm sitting on my dorm room bed and Katie is right there beside me. She's an ADPi legacy. She doesn't have to rush the sororities like the rest of us. She uses her index finger to fake curl my hair. You'll run home somewhere, she says. I'll never join a sorority, I tell her. Years later, I become the president of one.
I'm 21 and living in Los Angeles. We made it to Hollywood, except I'm living in Westwood and I don't have a car. So if I want to make it to Hollywood, I'll have to walk 7.5 miles (which people in LA just don't do) or take a bus (which people in LA also don't do). I'm hitchhiking rides across the interstate and living in a sorority house (which I said I'd never do) as an employee. My job? To fix this sorority or else it will shut down. The girls don't want me there (I don't want to be there either. I want to be in LA, which is why I took the job. And I want to be in LA for one reason. I just want to be famous).
I'm 22 and I'm not famous. I barely leave the house. I'm back living in my childhood bedroom working for the most famous person I know. A local magazine editor whose writing I've admired my whole life. I'm her dog-walker, house cleaner, bill sorter, holiday decorator, print 5 copies of these now assistant. I want to be a writer. I tell her and she laughs. You're not a very good one, she said. On the day I quit, she tells me I was fired anyway. Then, before her office door shuts, she screams: Never meet your heroes, and yet, I'm glad I did.
I'm 23 knocking on apartment 26b. I have two suitcases and a box my parents mailed me of memorabilia I'd soon throw away. I have just enough money for first and last month's rent. My roommate is a friend of a friend's friend. She soon becomes my first real best friend. I live in the living room of a one bedroom apartment. My closet is in the kitchen. At least I have one, I think, smiling from my bed. This is New York we’re talking about. I have views of the Empire State Building. One day, I’ll get to the very top.
I'm 26 and I've become always a bridesmaid, never a... An old best friend, who lived down the street, who didn't speak to me for years, asks to meet. I want us to be friends again, her mouth says as she hands me a box. Will you be my bridesmaid? Hours later, another half-friend asks me the same question. You're a professional, my roommate tells me. I take that line seriously. I post an ad on Craigslist offering my bridesmaid services to strangers. It changes my entire life. I start a business, I get hired as a bridesmaid for people I don't know, I write a book, sell TV shows (that never make it on the air, yet), I go on speaking tours, I'm on every single news show to ever exist. For the first time in my life, I feel like I matter, like the attention I'm getting is trying to tell me something, that maybe I'm not just a shy awkward pimple-faced little girl who can't do anything with their life. Finally, things are going great.
And then I lose my full-time job. I’m 27. My boss calls me into the office and says go do other things with your life. I hand over my badge and computer. I walk out of their 37th street office and tell strangers on the street that I'll never have a boss again! I'll make it work somehow! My business is making money but not enough. I start taking on weird secret side hustles. I write B2B white papers. I teach public speaking to Con-Edison employees. I have one purpose and that is to make money, as much of it as I can, so that I don't ever have to sit across from a person and listen to my annual review.
I’m 28 sitting across from Adam. He doesn't know that he's part of a failed experiment. That I had gone on 14 other dates that same month. He sips his coffee and I sip mine and as the minutes go by I know the biggest regret of my life will be if I never see this guy again.
I'm 29 and I tell Adam we must leave. I'm going through the hardest time of my life and I need to run away. Those constantly on the move never have to stop and think about the horrors that follow. He doesn’t understands, but he tries. Yet, he sells all of our stuff, cancels our leases, and agrees to live in new cities every 30 days. Years go by and we’re all over the place, but we’re happy. Everything thinks we’re crazy, but nobody really knows us anyway.
I'm 31, 32, 33. The years are passing because it's a pandemic. New York City is closed, then open, then kind of always opening and closing. Goofy the dog has entered my life. She's my soul mate. We've been together before in a past life and she enters this one on the very day that I need her to.
34 is when I carry Gemma around in my belly for 42 weeks and 4 days. The doctors want her out earlier. They schedule for me to get induced and I tell them don't bother. She's not ready and neither am I. I labor for 40-hours and finally get to hold my gem girl in my trembling arms as I confess that I have no idea how to be a mom or to love this way but I'll learn, I promise you that I will.
To get Gemma back to sleep in the middle of the time, takes time, often hours. We sit in the dark on her rocking chair and as her eyes open and close I think about my life so far.
There's a lot of magic in who you used to be.
I’m 37 now and I think about what I’ll write about this time in my life. It won’t be about diaper rash cream stains or how I can’t get the lyrics to Let it Go out of my head when I’m trying to have lunch with a new grown up friend!
When the middle of the night carries on, I sit and wonder how this time will replay in my head and exhale knowing that the way I'll look back, even on the hardest times, will be with the kind of rotten sweetness that's impossible to taste when you're living right there in it.
Take care of yourself this week (ilysm),
Book: If you’re looking for a beach read or a fun read, sharing my book with you! I’m really proud of this one and will be going on a book tour this fall/winter :) stay tuned!
Song: I’m watching the show Hacks (love, love) and this song played. Such a good one to jam to.
Most-Worn Items Of the Week:
I practically live in this graphic tee and black jean shorts
I rub this all over my cheeks and lips. It gives my freshly woken face a bit of bright color
A fun way to spark up a plain old outfit (and they are on sale!!)
I shared this bag in June and sharing it again because it’s great for the hot summer season
Recent Monday Pick-Me-Ups:
Most clicked items:
Ilia Foundation — life changing!
Bala bangles — workout anywhere!
Pink Adidas shoes — stand out!
Thank you for reading this week’s pick-me-up. I adore you! I’ll be back in your inbox on Monday. Until then, hit reply and say helllloooo!
If you want to follow me on @jenglantz, I’d love it. And if you have anything to share or ask, hit reply or comment below.
P.S. I'd be so grateful if you could tap that like button below - it really helps others discover this content! Your support means the world to me! Thank you for being here! ✨
This one...had me in my feels! SO good! So much love, life, joys and heartaches. Love it! Thank you! <3
loved this one so much!!