👋Your past doesn't always have to haunt you
It's Monday. I'm here for you.
Hi, Friend! It’s me - Jen Glantz.
March was jam-packed with life celebrations, including Gemma’s second birthday.
When she turned one, I didn't throw her a birthday party. I felt so guilty about that. She was so new to the world and only had a few friends. I was nervous that she'd just have one person at her party and all our eyes would ping-pong the room and feel crummy that it wasn't filled with humans who loved my little girl.
Mom guilt is an odd flavor of guilt because it tastes like stale graham crackers and it makes you feel off-balanced.
It rests easy on your chest. Which is why I almost didn't plan a party for Gemma's second birthday. I feared we didn't have enough people to fill a room.
But I was wrong. It turns out, I wasn't carrying around mom guilt, I was opening up my own childhood friendship wounds.
When I made the guest list for Gemma's birthday, I was amazed by how many people she's connected with in such a short time. She is so loved and so many of these people have grown up beside her and with her.
Gemma has one best best best-friend — the kind of friend she can't stop talking about and always wants to be with. This week, at art class, the teacher asked if they were cousins!
Her mom and I laughed. I made some on-brand joke about them being each other's maids of honor one day. Her mom mentioned how they would be friends forever.
I sat there wishing and hoping that they would.
When I moved to New York City in 2011, I left as many things in Florida as I could. Stupid things like clothing and photo albums. Important things like friendships. If I was going to move to the big city and spend every waking hour trying to become someone, who I used to be had to stay in the past.
I didn't ghost everyone in my life, but I also didn't rush in to save the friendships when they were slowly drifting to sea.
I built a new life here. I wrote books. I started a business. I made a whole new group of friends. I stuck the shy and passive version of myself in a memory box and stepped into a version where I glittered. I was bold.
When these friends from the past would reach out, say hello, ask to get together when I came back to Florida, I'd make up an excuse.
Why?
Because wouldn't it be weird for them to hang out with this completely different version of Jen Glantz? Wouldn't it be weird for me to sit across from them and hear embarrassing stories of my childhood that I just want to forget? Won't it just be weird for both of us to try to pretend we're still friends after so many years?
Keep these people at a distance. I'd tell myself. They know too much about the old you! You can't be who you are now with people around who remind you about who you were when you were 4-years-old putting lipstick on your Barbies and still sucking your thumb to sleep.
But then Gemma came into my life and I started to realize how insanely wrong I was. How much I've hurt the people in my life who loved me for so long.
Because Gemma started making friends and she met her first best friend. I saw it all happen. How they went from babies who would just stare at each other, to crawlers who would hold hands, to talking toddlers with little laughs about their inside jokes.
These friendships from our past are built on the people we were when we were growing, living, figuring out that chapter of our life.
I hope they stay friends forever. I tell myself every time I watch them play.
But how about my own friends that I once promised would be in my life forever?
Why did I abandon them with such urgency because I swore they wouldn't be able to evolve in the ways that I did?
Why did I ditch the people who I shared important life memories, friendship bracelets, secrets during sleepovers with? Whose mom and my mom sat together on a park bench as we ran around the playground and thought: these girls will stay close no matter what.
Last year, I reconnected with the first best friend I ever had. Our moms were best friends before we were even born. We started life together as best friends, just like Gemma and her little bestie are now. We stayed close for so many years until I pushed everyone from my past far away.
We sat across from each other at the coffee shop as two people who had known each other for 36 years. We were both so different from who we used to be. I thought that would make it awkward. I thought I'd be itching for an excuse to runaway.
But it didn't feel that way at all. We had new things in common. We had old things to talk about. It felt like restarting a friendship with a person I've known my entire life.
Scared that the past would haunt this new me, I realized that we make a big mistake when we don't say hello to it and give it space in our world today.
Friends forever doesn't mean everything will always feel the same way between two people. But it means that maybe they can swing by each other's lives, occasionally or often, understanding and learning about the person each eventually becomes.
At a later coffee date with my first best friend, I said what had been in my heart for so long.
I'm really sorry I didn't make an effort all of these years. I was caught up in my own life and completely pushed you away.
We're here now, she said.
It's felt like it's been forever! I replied, finishing the last sip of my latte and thinking about how much I want to learn about who she is now.
Take care of yourself this week (ilysm),
Jen Glantz
Hello dear April! It might a rainy month, but here are some easy ways to bring some sunshine into your dazzling days.
Jeans: You know I’ve been on a jean journey lately. I’m obsessed with these $29 jeans from H&M. But on my birthday, I walked by Rag & Bone and tried on their viral sweatpant jeans. They were so comfy but sooo expsenive. I decided to take them home and wear them around the house to see if they are worth it. After a week, I can tell you this: they are amazing to wear, look so good on, and way more comfortable than any jeans I’ve ever worn. They are not worth the price tag, but I’m a bargain shopper and no jeans to me are worth more than $60. If you want to splurge on something soft for spring and summer, try these jeans on!
Book: I mentioned last week that I grabbed the Artist’s Way book. I just started reading it and i’m both amazed and overwhelmed. The author promises that the book will transform you and says people who read this start to “take on a glow”. Say no more!! Sign me up!! But the book also seems demanding and time consuming. LMK if you’ve done this before OR if you’ve always wanted to do this and we can start a little book club ground and do it together!
Beauty: I recorded a new video podcast last week for Bridesmaid for Hire (it will be released this month) and I wanted to make sure my hair/makeup looked good (see: hide my acne scars!!). I used Glamsquad, a service where a professional hair and makeup artist come to your house and do your glam. It was super affordable (around $60 for hair and $90 for makeup) and took less than an hour. If you have an upcoming event or just want to treat yourself, try the service out and get $20 off.
Necklace: One of my favorite birthday gifts was a G bubble letter necklace. They are so trendy and they really do elevate any outfit. Here’s where you can grab one — they make a great gift!
Song: Used this song to get out of bed today and really feel alive. Like realllly alive. What do you feel when you listen to it?
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Such a beautiful lesson and reminder <3
Besides the final NCAA game, I was thinking about this article a lot today. (I'll try not to make this a book. I just got through watching the Houston and Florida game. That ending was so stupid lol).
I've been in a period of my life where I've been cutting off a lot of my past. Most of them didn't have my best interest at heart and prayed for my downfall. It was sort of the thing where the more bad news they heard about you, the happier they were. I was never in competition with anyone and didn't want that toxic energy in my life. Also, not being the jealous type. I'm happy not because I have it all, I'm happy because I choose not to be jealous of others. Your success is my success. But I found that a lot of people I hung with wasn't on the same page.
Like you, I started to distance myself. I also started to let a lot of boats sink because it was one sided. I also didn't ghost everyone (I do stay in touch with around 3%, more on this in a sec). On my end, if it drifted to sea, I let it. When my 1st FB locked on me recently, to me, it was a sign from the Universe to keep distancing myself from a interesting past. I did not freak out, it's a break from the comparison and keeping up with the Joneses game. Life is not a competition, and the only person I'm competing with is myself.)
I also built a different life for myself after removing myself from my past. My YouTube went slightly viral. I gave speeches all over. I became a sponsored athlete and so on.
Depending on who it is? When someone reaches out I may or may not respond. For the most part. My chapter in their books are closed. I've moved on.
For me, if I don't keep my distance, they will pull me down.
Sometimes you outgrow people.
But. But. But.
You make a lot of great points here.
I reconnected with someone from my old biology camp recently. And reached out to the actual camp to make sure they were still kicking (and yess they are).
I also reconnected with someone I used to altar serve with.
I also reconnected with some peeps from another volunteer gig from 20 years ago (I re-signed up as an adult volunteer. I recently faced my fear of heights with a group of them. I think I should invest in some adult diapers when I'm up that high though lol.)
I also plan on hanging out with some high school classmates.
I think I said this a couple articles back. But when it comes to a lot of my friendships, we pick up right where we left off. I'm very flexible and meet people where they are at. You mentioned this amazing point: Friends forever doesn't mean everything will always feel the same way between two people. But it means that maybe they can swing by each other's lives, occasionally or often, understanding and learning about the person each eventually becomes. (On my end. We usually reach out to each other 2 to 3 times a year. Life is not like it was in high school, where we saw each other everyday or during the weekends for track meets.)
I've reconnected with those who were positive and uplifting in my childhood, not the ones that caused me harm.